Category Archives: Reviews

REVIEW: HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

I just got home from HOT TUB TIME MACHINE which the lovely Germaine got us a pair of free passes for. I have to say that from the previews I was positive that it was going to be pretty shitty BUT funny. Well, I was sort of right, like always.

KICKSOMEPAST.COM

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE is the story of Adam (John Cusack), Lou (Rob Corddry), and Nick (Craig Robinson), three middle-aged, washed up friends which, unfortunately, have had nothing in life turn out the way they had anticipated.

After one of the three almost dies, the guys + Jacob (Clark Duke), Adam’s adorably awkward nephew, decide to go down to a ski resort where the best days of their lives were spent. Their arrival is a less than uplifting one for the town has gone bust and nothing is left to do but to get super fucking drunk in the ominously glowing hot tub on the porch of their hotel room.

And that they do.

The next morning, yes, you guessed it, they realize that they have somehow been transported back into 1986 and on an especially eventful day. They try to play it out the same they had done originally in fear of ruining the future but find out quickly that that is nearly impossible.


I really liked this movie. I have an affinity for fairly stupid comedy, what can I say, but this movie actually made a good point. I’m going to be a douche bag right now and tell you that it really made me think about taking more chances in life because if I don’t I’ll probably (definitely) end up miserable because I played it safe the way that they did. We can’t control our future but we can give ourselves the possibility of a happy life by willingly doing ridiculous shit you didn’t think you were capable of.

I liked it a lot. It was ridiculous, the actors were funny, and the story flowed well. I recommend it but only if you can deal with shitty special effects.

3 out of 4 David Bowies!

They have a big cut out poster that you can take a picture in which you will definitely see…tomorrow!

P.S.

-Chevy Chase has a tiny role. (!!!)

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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHOSE TIMING IS ALWAYS OFF:

If you’re like me, you won’t go to the movies because it’s so damn expensive and you won’t rent movies unless they’re from the library, thus, making you always very late.

BUT this is ok because I am saving money!

SO I am here to tell you about the movies that you can watch at home for free (unless you turn the movie in late, of course).

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I just finished watching The Fall and it is now one of my favorite movies ever. I am an aesthetics whore. If I ever lost my vision I would kill myself (and that’s scary because my vision is H O R R I B L E). This entire movie looks like a vivid dream that is whipping past you like a picture that fell out of someones wallet and is now flapping in the wind right past your eyes while you’re driving to work and you almost crash because of this weird almost déjà vu like feeling comes over you and your eyes fog over for a second as if you were looking at Magic Eyes

The movie is about a little girl named Alexandria (Catinca Untaru) that is in the hospital just outside of Los Angeles for a broken arm. She makes friends with a wounded stunt man named Roy(Lee Pace)who tells her stories about 5 heroes to trick her into doing favors for him.

The movie is a story within a story and our main characters begin to confuse reality with the epic tale being created around them, leaving them betrayed and bruised.

Everything about this movie is pleasing. The background looked like huge painted canvases that the characters were drawn into. I would gladly hang stills of this movie up in home and they’d be no different from the finest pieces of art.

 

 Even though everything is so whimsical and beautiful, the story is painful. Watching Alexandria cry was no fun. Catinca has is one of the greatest child actresses I have ever watched. She reminded me a lot of KIKI as a child, too, which is kind of AWESOME in itself.

I say you run to the nearest library (before it becomes a floating library like the rest of them) and check this movie then watch it over and over again.

4 out of 4 David Bowies!

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DEAR ELTON JOHN: WHY? + MORE LOOK-ALIKES!

Dear Sir Elton John,

You are a wonderfully ridiculous man. My boyfriend’s father has wanted to be you his whole life. Your music is amazing and anytime you duet with someone all their sins are washed away. But why, may I ask, would you want to duet with someone who cannot actually sing? Someone who willingly showed us her vagina?  Someone who is trying to be you? I wouldn’t be flattered if some Alexis Arquette  look-alike (bless her soul) tried to pull out MY stops. I think you lost your good sense when you lost your ability to sing high.

Bennie and The Jets > Circle of Life.

Love,

Â.A!

The original Lady Gaga.

Seeeeeee.

When she’s performing she looks even more like Alexis. Bitch has no personality of her own.

P.S.

Go to 1:02 and 4:26 if you would like to see Lady Gaga’s private parts. I have no idea why you would want to though, you creeper.

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REVIEW: WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD & PETA

So, I wonder, have you guys heard about that EVIL BITCH from Georgia that made her son SMASH HIS HAMSTER with a hammer because he got BAD GRADES?

This bitch is going to hell.

She was arrested a couple of days ago because her son told his teacher what his mother had made him do and called child protective services.  She is being charged with Animal/Child cruelty and battery.

Not only does this asshole not have any consideration for other lives, but also very obviously doesn’t care about her child. A GOOD MOTHER wouldn’t emotionally fuck her child probably turning him into a baby Lynch who will grow up to have crazy black outs and murder his wife…or to be horribly neurotic and never be able to be in a normal relationship because his maternal figure was a FUCKING MONSTER.

It’s really funny, though, because looking around I don’t see PETA saying anything about this. Hmmm? I thought you guys cared about animals. A hamster is an animal. This hamster in particular was treated unethically. Why don’t you guys stop worrying so much about having naked celebrities do photo shoots for you and actually fucking help animals?

LYNN MIDDLEBROOKS GETER, YOU GET ZERO BOWIES FOR BEING AN EVIL HOE BAG BITCH.

ZERO BOWIES FOR PETA, TOO, FOR BEING TOTAL FAKE ASSES.

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THANK YOU, CYNTHIA.

FIRSTPERSONTETRIS.COM

It’s sort of like someone is twisting your eyeballs around.

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REVIEW:BOONDOCK SAINTS II: ALL SAINTS DAY..ET AUTRE CHOSES

I am running out of my beloved Smashbox primer. Ah, the painful end is in sight.

I’d have to say that out of all the violently awesome shooting games that Brandon and I play, Hitman is definitely the best one.

The ending of  Kayne & Lynch: Dead Men sucked ass even though the first few levels were GOLDEN.

Resident Evil 4 was ass.

The other Hitman games were triple the ass of Resident Evil.

Silent Hill is a whole other league of ass.

When I played Hitman for the first time I didn’t leave my room for a while and all I would have was Mountain Dew and Twizzlers. Yeah, I haven’t a life when I become obsessed with something. ( Âllo, blogging?!)

Well, I guess I sort of do on Tuesdays. We go to Dollar Tuesday at the Regency Tropicana Cinemas and watch movies that are probably already out on dvd.

Yesterday we saw Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day and I’m going to have to say that I am dissapointed. There were wayyyyy too many one-liners (a lot about ass fucking, too. Why?!?!). Everyone was fleshy and old which made it completely unbelievable whenever they did any type of stunt. There was a character known only as “The Mexican” (who kind of looks like Eugene Hutz) with psycho killer teeth and an infatuation with his colorful background. If they hadn’t been so obsessed with his being Mexican and developed that character into an intense sociopath that liked to chew on people, I would have been happy.  Instead, they had weird scenes of him crying. Completely awkward- like seeing a parent cry- which I can’t stand.

Unnecessary 😦

There was also this lady, this fucking lady, with an accent. She was unnecessary and very NOT sexy no matter how hard they tried to make her.  She gets ZERO Bowies for being annoying and cocky.

On the other hand, this kid gets 4 😀

Overall, the movie itself gets 2 simply for being mindless entertainment.

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REVIEW: PIRATE RADIO

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES I HAVE SEEN IN A LONG TIME. I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS.

Pirate Radio is the story of an outlaw radio station that broadcasted off the shore of England. These types of stations were common in the 60s because rock music was thought to be unholy! dirty! evil! This particular station consisted of a group of VERY random male djs ranging from an American (Philip Seymour Hoffman) to a silent but sexy Jim Morrison look-alike (Tom Wisdom) to a bearded hippie named Bob (Ralph Brown).

When Carl (Tom Sturridge), a young British guy, is sent by his mom (Emma Thompson), who happens to be something of a sexual legend,  sends him onto the ship to live with his god father (Bill Nighy) to learn responsiblity, you see right away that is the last place for proper growing up. Instead, he lives amongst irresponsible and totally awesome people whose whole lives revolve around music – except for the lesbian cook (Katherine Parkinson), of course.

Everything is going great (kind of) untill the British government decides that they aren’t going to tolerate their “disgusting” music and all the loop holes they’ve found to keep their millions of listeners hooked.

Shit.Goes.Down.

The acting was great with nothing ever feeling cheesy or over acted. Their outfits were completely bomb (if you read my review for An Eduction you’d know that that is a big thing for me) and the story flows very well. The music, oh, the music- let’s just say that, apart from Bob’s records, their collection was to drool and die over for.

wowza 😀

I love this movie therefore I award it-

4 out of 4 Bowies!!!!!!

& I saw it at Dollar Tuesday at the Regency Tropicana Theaters which made it all that much sweeter!

LONG LIVE DOLALR TUESDAYS

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REVIEW: AVATAR

I’ll admit, when I saw the previews for it I thought it looked pretty bad. Without the help of  3D the graphics just didn’t look good at all. Still, when my boyfriend’s father invited us to see it I figured it was worth a shot.

Everyone probably already knows what it’s about so I won’t cover that  but in the event that you don’t just go to IMDB.com. The story line was good…but typical. I won’t lie and say I didn’t love that fact that it seemed like a very long and very expensive GO GREEN! commercial and that it had a lot of parallels to what those bastard pilgrims did to Native Americans all those years ago. The love story was sweet until Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) sans Avatar body is cradled in Neytiri’s (Zoe Saldana) giant blue arms. That was just something I was not prepared for. Yet, when they were Avatars their relationship felt true and felt strong, like Jake really would do anything to help Neytiri, which was sweet.

Overall, this movie is 100% visually pleasing. Contextually it is 85% pleasing. I managed to sit through all 4ish hours of it with a bad cough and having to pee BADLY without noticing because I was so into the movie. I only really noticed these things when the drama wasn’t quite so intense and when Neytiri wasn’t screaming and pushing people.

So, my recommendation to you  is to see this beautifully crafted movie in 3D because if you don’t you wont earn any Bowies. If you do I’ll give you 4 Bowies just like I gave Avatar’s graphics.

4 out of 4 Bowies for those badass graphics.

3 out of 4 Bowies for the story line just because it works.

OH! I almost forgot to say how amazing Sigourney Weaver was as Dr. Augustine and what a great body she has! There is a cult-esque scene where she’s naked and she looks just wonderful. You don’t see anything of course. Um, ya…if you see the movie you’ll understand that it’s not as weird as it sounds. I just have a gift, one that makes everything I say sounds 10 times more awkward than it should.

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REVIEW: MEN WHO STARE AT GHOST

I saw this last saturday at the dollar theatre with a few friends. Originally we were going to watch Couple’s Retreat but after a lot of whining on my behalf we decided on Men Who Stare At Goats– and what a wonderful decision it was! My ass was numb from the horribly flat seats but it didn’t really matter because I was into the film.

Bob Wilton (Ewan McGregor), a reporter for a small town newspaper,  sets out for Iraq after his wife  leaves him for his editor hoping that if he covers the war he will be able to prove to his wife that he isn’t a loser and make her come back to him. While waiting for clearance to cross the border he meets Lyn Cassady (George Clooney), a man who claims to be a former New Earth Army member, a U.S. army unit which employed men with paranormal abilities whose goal was peace and not war, and joins him on his quest to find his former lieutenant (Jeff Bridges). Let’s just say some crazy shit goes down when another former New Earth member, played by Kevin Spacey, intervenes.

If you want to know how goats play any part in this just watch the trailer.

George Clooney’s genuinely seemed like a crazy ass middle-aged man, which was cool, but Ewan McGregor just seemed kind of stupid and lost at all times. Taking all this in account I award Men Who Stare At Goats:

3 out of 4 David Bowies!

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REVIEW: AN EDUCATION

I won’t lie to you guys, when I learned about An Education I turned into this woman:

I found the soundtrack while putting cds away at the work and, I’ll admit, the only reason I checked it out was because of how wonderful the cover looked…

and because when I looked on the back I saw artists like Duffy ( sorry Duffy, you get ZERO Bowies for Smoke Without Fire.), Ray Charles,  and one of my new favorites: On The Rebound by Floyd Cramer. That is probably one of the happiest songs I’ve heard in a while. You can feel how completely liberated this person feels and their glee is contagious.

With this new found knowledge I went to work the next day anxiously awaiting 6 w o’clock when Cynthia would collect me so we could go watch it. To become completely obsessed with this movie and soundtrack it took me, oh, a day and a half maybe? I’m obsessive, I know, I know.

But how couldn’t I be? Just look at how amazing their outfits were:

Of course, the outfits don’t make the movie (but they do help immensely), this I know, but the story line was a TRUE PIECE OF GOLD

Jenny (Carey Mulligan), a 16-year-old girl from Twickenham, England, leads an ordinary and boring life. Her father insists she studies constantly in order to gain admission into Oxford which leaves little time for ordinary teenage escapades. One day, while walking home in the rain with her cello, a dapper older gentlemen offers her a ride. Eventually Jenny accepts and enters David’s (Peter Sarsgaard) car. This, as it come to be, was the turning point in her young and inexperienced life. A smooth operator, David convinces her strict parents (Alfred Molina & Cara Seymour)  into letting her live a fancy adult life of jazz clubs, horse races, and tight dresses. But, unfortunately, all (excessively) good things must come to an end and Jenny finds her life in ruins when the seams in David’s nest of lies unravel.

SO GOOOOD.

Thus, I award An Education:

 

 + 1/2

31/2 out of 4 David Bowies!

The movie truly was nearly perfect. Maybe it was just Peter Sarsgaard’s fleshy chest that threw it off a bit. Regardless, I TOTALLY RECOMMEND IT.

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